I have no one I can confide in; no one I can share my sorrows and my pains. I’m always the one people go to to unload their problems. I’m the one that makes people feel better. I’m the one who comforts and soothes and tells everyone that everything will be okay. When I need that same comfort, I have no one to turn to. I’m not whining about it. It makes me sad that I have to deal with problems by myself.
As much as my family loves me, they make any problem into a big ordeal, or make it about them. I can’t abide that. Most of my friends (online or offline) use me as their unpaid life coach and therapist, but the reverse can’t happen. Sometimes, I don’t trust the person to handle what I have to say, or he/she can’t be depended on to keep it secret, or I say nothing as not to upset anyone. I’m an expert at saying nothing so as not to rock the boat. That will be hard to believe for some people, but it’s true.
As opinionated and passionate as I am, I often only give voice to a percentage of what I’m feeling because I know if I really let loose, damage would be done. I’m always very conscious of that. That’s not to say that I don’t forget and go for the jugular at times (usually a result of anger at myself for remaining quiet and/or being livid at a perceived injustice), but overall, I rarely say what’s on mind. Amusing because most of my relatives say too much so maybe I’m just reacting to being annoyed with their behavior.
Difficult for me to trust people enough to tell them how I’m feeling. It takes a long time for me to confide in someone, but I’ve learned that I don’t always choose the right person. Recently, my family endured a truly horrific event, and I needed someone with whom I could talk about my pain and anger. I have no one so it makes this trauma so much worse because I have to keep everything bottled up inside.
Thursday, 1 September 2011
There is one comfort to the fact that I have not been keeping up with the writing for this blog. I now know the people who lie to me when they tell me that they’ve read my latest blog entry. Code phrase for those who actually want to be honest about reading this: Glenda Jackson