Thursday, 22 September 2011

Finding very little comfort

I have no one I can confide in; no one I can share my sorrows and my pains. I’m always the one people go to to unload their problems. I’m the one that makes people feel better. I’m the one who comforts and soothes and tells everyone that everything will be okay. When I need that same comfort, I have no one to turn to. I’m not whining about it. It makes me sad that I have to deal with problems by myself.

As much as my family loves me, they make any problem into a big ordeal, or make it about them. I can’t abide that. Most of my friends (online or offline) use me as their unpaid life coach and therapist, but the reverse can’t happen. Sometimes, I don’t trust the person to handle what I have to say, or he/she can’t be depended on to keep it secret, or I say nothing as not to upset anyone. I’m an expert at saying nothing so as not to rock the boat. That will be hard to believe for some people, but it’s true.

As opinionated and passionate as I am, I often only give voice to a percentage of what I’m feeling because I know if I really let loose, damage would be done. I’m always very conscious of that. That’s not to say that I don’t forget and go for the jugular at times (usually a result of anger at myself for remaining quiet and/or being livid at a perceived injustice), but overall, I rarely say what’s on mind. Amusing because most of my relatives say too much so maybe I’m just reacting to being annoyed with their behavior.

Difficult for me to trust people enough to tell them how I’m feeling. It takes a long time for me to confide in someone, but I’ve learned that I don’t always choose the right person. Recently, my family endured a truly horrific event, and I needed someone with whom I could talk about my pain and anger. I have no one so it makes this trauma so much worse because I have to keep everything bottled up inside.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Laziness has its perks.

There is one comfort to the fact that I have not been keeping up with the writing for this blog. I now know the people who lie to me when they tell me that they’ve read my latest blog entry. Code phrase for those who actually want to be honest about reading this: Glenda Jackson

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Twitter part 1

I think about all the people I’ve met through twitter, and how many of them I still talk to after my year and a half on twitter. So much has changed from the very beginning. I joined to follow @sometipsforlife and @supercheyne (formerly @spudcheyne) and now I’m following 395 people. I know some of them and others I don’t remember why I’m following them. As in life, people come and go. You drift apart, and you realize you have nothing in common or you come to the decision that you just don’t like the person. I have a few people I really don’t like, but I follow them because it’s less drama. In the past, I would keep following people I didn’t like or was not interested in simply so I would not have to engage in the “why did you unfollow me?” drama. “I think you’re a drunken self loathing piece of shit who I can’t stand” is not something I want to say to someone. Yes, I know. It shocks some people that I wouldn’t say that, but I’ve learned (although the lesson doesn’t always stick) that twitter is so insignificant to the rest of my life. Why spend so much energy on someone I most likely will never meet or ever want to meet? That’s not to say that people on twitter have not made a substantial impact on my life. They have, but I’ve grown weary of engaging in twitter drama. It serves no purpose.

I’m not an angel. I’ve been an asshole, and I’ve been unfairly labeled as an asshole. Once you’ve engaged in a twitter war, everything you tweet is ready to be interpreted as an attack. Nothing I can do about that. A substantial number of people only follow me because they wait for me to say something controversial or engage in another twitter war. Would I take back some of the things I said? OF course, but I also would not take back some of the things I’ve said. Some people are indeed self-destructive scum and I see no point in saying otherwise although I have learned that not saying anything can be a powerful tool. I’m not the center of someone else’s universe, and in the end, what I say about/to them doesn’t matter so why get my self worked up about someone I have no respect for? I just ignore them if I can. Some people you just can’t escape, but I grit my teeth and refuse to write something that will cause chaos.

It takes a lot for me to unfollow someone I’ve followed for a long time. I always hold on to the hope that we can somehow go back to the time when our twitterman/twitter relationship was beneficial to both of us. I unfollowed someone recently because a majority of his tweets were about his affection for Chris Brown. We had a nice and casual twitterlationship but I just could not get past supporting someone who beats up women. There was the man who I had developed a bond with over the last year and a half. I thought he was the sweetest, most thoughtful man. We would engage in discussions on various topics, and we respected each other’s opinions mainly because we completely agreed. When he took a job in direct opposition to those beliefs, I became the enemy, and he attacked when I tweeted something I had said many times before, and something he had agreed with. I was shocked by his response, and it made me reevaluate how I’ve used twitter and how I’m really connected to people on twitter. I can never look at him the same way again. Every positive feeling I had for him ended that day. It shows me that loyalty to someone isn’t always rewarded when your loyalty doesn’t serve his bottom line. Threw me for a definite loop.

Proud gay man

I’ve noticed that if I publicly state that I’m proud to be a gay man a lot of people are unnerved by this. If I were to say that I had decided to have straight sex, those very people would be overcome with joy. I would be congratulated for taking that step. You can’t be considered a good gay if you don’t have sex with women. Sorry, not happening. My sexuality is not about rejecting or sleeping with women. It’s about confirming my love and desire for men. I’m not a self loather who thinks having sex with women makes me more masculine. I’m proud to be a gay men. I’m proud of my passion and connection to other men. I do not need to prove anything by having sex with women. I know by saying this that I’ll run the risk of being called a woman hater, but it’s not about hate. It’s about being tired of heterosexual sex being a prerequisite for being a gay man. I don’t understand gay men who think that way and I certainly can’t respect them.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Logan McCree and the horror of the "gay"

I’ve been asked what I think of McCree going straight or saying the vagina “feels right.” Some have been outraged. Others think he’s wonderful for being “beyond labels.” I think self loathing is an adjective that describes him especially if you read and watch some of his previous comments. My main reaction is that I can’t be bothered. I’m not going to waste time on someone who puts out anti-gay messages. Don’t think what he has said is anti-gay? Read his remarks as if they are a testimonial at an ex-gay retreat. How many of his supporters would champion those testimonials? Watch his interviews where he does nothing but put down gay culture (as if gay men belong to one monolithic culture). Here’s another thing to consider: if public figures coming out is so important to young gay men, why can’t the reverse be true? Why isn’t it destructive to see someone like McCree spout anti-gay rhetoric, give his “vagina feels so right” interview to a woman who states that vaginal intercourse is the only sex that really matters, and then say that straight sex is what feels so right to him? Why wouldn’t that be harmful to gay men who saw him as a role model? Yes, some will say he’s still a role model for not being boxed in by sexuality, but how many of them would say the same about Exodus ex-gay testimonials? There is always talk about the destructive images of barebacking in porn, but what about anti-gay images? Do some people only think images matter when it serves their agenda? Apparently so from some of the positive comments from McCree’s remarks.

That brings me to gay men/queer men/gay men who won’t say they’re gay who do nothing but denigrate gay men and gay culture. “Gay men are so dramatic. Gay men can’t be trusted. Gay men are shallow. Gay men are cheaters. Gay men are so weak.” Replace gay with black or Muslim. How many of those people would say those things about African-Americans, Muslims, or any other group? It would be considered offensive, but to bad mouth gay men is a badge of honor for a lot of these men. The unspoken undercurrent is that the speaker is so much better than the pathetic gay men and that straight culture is far superior. There are assholes of every sexual identity. There are assholes of every sex and gender, but for some, “gay” is again the unspeakable horror. I have also found that most of those who publicly eschew labels of their sexuality tend to be the very people who label men as “gay” so they can denigrate them. In the past week, I counted 17 tweets like this, and except for one, all were from “no labels” or men who claim to be fours on the Kinsey scale.

Sunday, 17 April 2011


Very short blog because I’m a lazy ass:
I find labels comforting and a source of power. I don’t get it when guys say “I’m beyond labels.” What exactly does that mean? In most cases, you’re either fucking men, women, or both. I’m baffled why gay men have such a difficult time saying, “I’m gay.” I have little patience with the “no labels” guys. I know I’m in trouble when I hear that phrase. They’re either bisexuals or they are the type of gay guy who hates anything gay, only wants to hang out with straight guys, and eventually tries to go straight unsuccessfully of course since self loathers are inept at everything but finding alleys, bars, and bathrooms. I want gay men who are proud of who they are, gay men who find it liberating to use the gay label just don’t label me a separatist. I’m beyond labels.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Gay Clubs and the Straight Women who love them

There was a question on Formspring recently about banning straight girls from gay clubs. Everyone was aghast. How could you discriminate against the straight women! Gay men should know what discrimination is so why would you treat women the way gay men are treated? I had a different reaction. I’m all for banning straight girls. Every time the police are called to my local gay clubs/bars, it’s because a drunken straight girl has started a fight, attacked the bartender or gotten pissed because she couldn’t get a gay man drunk enough to fuck her. Not one gay men has been arrested in the 3 I’ve been legally able to go to bars. It’s always been the straight girls. For one week, the main gay club had a no straight women policy. You know what? No fights, no injuries, no police cars, no shutting down the club early. The straights and some gay men fought that rule so now we’re back to allowing drunken straight girls (usually named Jen, Laurie or Tiffany) into the clubs, and the drama continues. What does this have to with supporting gay men? Showing gay men affection? These clubs are designed for gay men. They’re spaces that gay men can come together to drink, dance, make out, and yes, hook up. Yet what do these clubs spend most of their time on? Cleaning up after straight girls. Worrying about when the next drunken straight girl will go off. Perhaps, Ohio just has an abundance of drunken straight girls. The straight girls in other states may be wonderful  & trouble free. I have my doubts as I follow at least 3 gay men on twitter who’ve been injured because a straight girl started a fight in a gay club. Why are we worrying about the straight girls? Why do the gay men who go to these clubs have to tolerate this ridiculousness?

Yes, I know. I’ll get the discrimination argument, but why must gay clubs be open to straight women at all times? Straight women have so many options. They can go almost any place they want. Gay men do not have that same ability. Can you imagine 2 gay men going into Hooters or a sports bar and holding hands or making out? How many gay men feel comfortable going to clubs that cater to mostly straight men? We have gay clubs so that gay men can feel comfortable, feel a part of a larger gay community, be with other men. There is nothing greater than being in a room with gay men, and feeling the energy, the smells, the way we interact with other, etc. Straight women intrude upon this, and it pisses me off. If it were an occasional thing, it’d be different, and I’m not talking about the straight women who are wonderful & do not cause trouble (although I would prefer to have their admittance limited to certain nights) but I should be allowed to go to a gay club & not have to share my experiences with straight women every time I go. I don’t go to women’s only club meetings & try to make the event all about me. I allow that there are certain activities & events that should be for women only. Women should have places where they can go and be together without men interfering as we usually do.

I’m gay, but I’m not a half woman because I’m gay. I’m a MALE. I am also not one of those men who desperately wants to be seen as normal so straight men and women will like me for being more straight than gay. “Look at us! We have 2 dogs, a cozy home, like to spend our evenings in, bake cookies for our neighbors.” There is nothing wrong with that if that is who you are, but if your only reason for being that way is to get straight approval, I find that attitude pathetic. Live your life for yourself not to blend in and be “accepted” by the straights. I don’t play the normal gay card. One. I bake for no one, and two, I don’t see blending in as a good thing. I’m in favor of everyone maintaing their own distinct identities. Three: I don’t perform for straight people. I never look for their approval of who I am and what I do nor do I want to be put in the position of giving approval to heterosexuals. I’m gay and that does not mean I’m looking to be a straight woman’s accessory while she’s between relationships. “Look at Suzie! She’s brought the best of the Spring 2011 collection of gay male friends to the party.”

I should be able to have a few spaces in my life where I can go and be surrounded by gay men & and have no outside interference from straight men and women. Don’t see why this is is so shocking. I’m not asking for separate societies. I’m asking for a room of my own so to speak: a place where I can go & be proud to be gay without diluting it for the consumption of others.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

More of the best in gay porn 2010 (with a few worst of thrown in for good measure)

More of the Best:
Paul Wagner--An out gay man in gay porn (says something when you have to point this out) who started on Sean Cody & has graduated to becoming one of the most underrated and consistently excellent performers. Always a smile, always a great performance, and he shows through his performances why a gay man doing gay porn is so important.

Hard Friction 2 and Hard Friction in Australia: I can’t tell if Hard Friction 2 is a great collection of scenes because I never get past the scene with Steve Cruz and Alessio Romero--two of my absolute favorites. They devour each other, and it’s a sensual flip-flip that I find so hot. There is nothing hotter to me than two guys who perform like they are into the fucking. Cruz and Romero could just talk (fully clothed) in a scene and I would get off because I find them so hot, but this scene is incredible. Cruz’s husband, Bruno Bond has an audition scene with a performer, and the way Bond and Cruz talk to him, tease him, and then Bond’s foreplay is slow and steady, and I can hardly bear it. I know Cruz takes over in the scene, but I never get that far. Bruno’s performance turns me on so much that this is the scene that prompted more sexual fantasies than any other scene. I’m so in lust with Romero, Cruz, and Bond.

Lex Sabre:Yes, he has a large penis. Yes, he’s uncut. Yes, he is a great top, but what I appreciate about him is the self-deprecating humor he shows in his scenes as well as on Twitter. Nothing hotter than a hunk with a sense of humor about himself. When Sabre is the top in a scene, he connects to the partner. He makes eye contact. He is an attentive top and caring top. Sabre has a recent scene on Suite703 that is probably the best I’ve seen from them in a while. Sabre looks incredible, and the scene has great rhythm, and Sabre turns in a fabulous performance as a bottom. Is there anything hotter than seeing an uncut dick loaded with cum?

A theme is emerging here, and it’s that I respond to scene where there’s a connection between the performers. I don’t respond well to mechanical fucking or where one performer (usually the g4per) shows no interest, and maintains the g4p distance from the partner. I want to see two (or more) men fucking in gay porn like they never want to stop having gay sex. I want gay sex to come across in gay porn as the greatest thing in the world--the way it is in real life.

Kennedy Carter and Kyle King--They did a Hot House live show where they chatted a bit, made out a bit, and then fucked. What made this scene work? The scene showed their personalities. It started off with them chatting, being playful, making out, and then the sex. There was real build up. They had such great chemistry and you really don’t see this kind of chemistry when the performers are bi (fake bi or not) or straight. **A minor gripe to the man who kept interrupting the scene to tell one or both of the performers to move or to do something. Shut the fuck up! Performers know what to do, and even if they don’t, I prefer a messy scene to a great scene interrupted by some asshole who won’t shut up. Let performers do their job!**

Rod Daily and Trent Diesel who use condoms in their scenes with women. I don’t enjoy straight scenes. They don’t turn me on, and I prefer my performers to be gay but I applaud these two performers for using condoms when most other “bi” models and g4pers go condomless in their straight scenes--sending the message that gay sex is so much dirtier. A fuck you to the industry that promotes and encourages condomless straight scenes, but goes into hysterics when it’s a barebacking scene between two men even even when the testing procedures are the same.

Another worst of Arpad Miklos to not only doing a straight for pay scene, but doing it in a very homophobic way designed to show how much of a man he is because he can fuck a woman with the best of the straight men: something every gay men should be proud of apparently so I much be a poor gay man for finding that idea despicable. My masculinity is not based on whether I top or whether I bottom or whether I can fuck women (which I haven't and will never do). I’m a proud gay man who doesn’t need to cater to self loathing gays or dilute my sexuality to appeal to straights & gay men who see straight sex as the ultimate in masculinity. I don’t need to prove anything. Miklos not only did the scene in an offensive manner but he did it without a condom, and then badmouthed gay sex, gay porn studios, and gay fans. Way to maintain a fan base. OF course, he continued to get hired, but what if he had barebacked a man? All hell would have broken.

Shane Frost--underrated performer who always gives his best. Another out gay man who is usually cast as a bottom (and he does have an amazing ass), but he’s a versatile performer who knows what makes a scene work: connection to partner, touching, kissing, and making the viewer think this is the best sex he’s ever had. Frost does all this and more.

Humor is so rare in gay porn. So much of it is so humorless, but John Magnum in Bottoming 101 for CocksureMen managed to be informative and sexy while maintaining a wicked sense of humor.