What does being gay mean? I never asked myself this question until I started hanging around more gay organizations, participating in gay message boards, and watching gay porn. MY simple answer is that a gay man is someone who wants to only have sex with a man and has the capacity to only have love relationships with a man. Apparently, I’m living under a rock because I see so many other definitions:
1.)A gay man is only gay once he’s dated and slept with women. When he rejects women, he’s magically gay. The underlying assumption is that being gay is about rejecting women rather than wanting men. Does that mean I’m not gay since I’ve never slept with or rejected women? Trust me, I’m not going back to rectify that.
2.)A gay man is only gay if he comes out. IF you don’t come out or don’t have to ( it was ALWAYS known I was gay), does that mean you’re not gay? A silly question, but I’ve had supposedly sane people assert you’re not gay until you come out.
3.)A gay man is someone who bottoms. Only a “real man” tops which I guess means that I’ve been a “real” man 95% of the time. A real, masculine man can’t be gay. He’s straight acting and so many gay men find it a huge compliment to be told they are straight acting. I’ve even seen gay men try to pass themselves off as straight in clubs. Why? Are you so insecure about being gay that you need people to think you’re straight? Is being gay such a loss of masculinity for you? I’ve noticed these men see bottoming as something beneath them, something feminine. There’s a real unspoken distaste for the man who bottoms with these “straight acting” men. And if they have bottomed or attempted to bottom, it’s as if they want a medal.
The Porn gay:
1.)A gay man is someone who must bow at the feet of a gay for pay performer. He must worship this straight man while the straight man shows absolute contempt for the man and gay sex. The gay must do all the work and must never expect anything in return.
2.)A gay man is someone who bottoms. Much like number three above, the straight acting men get to top while the bottoms are the stereotypically gay ones. If you start off as a top, but you bottom, you will most likely be relegated to bottoming roles. Once you bottom, you will lose your power as a straight acting man. A dick in your ass apparently makes you weak, less than, and a sissy. A dick wipes away your masculinity. The tops who may have bottomed in the past must always remind fans that they are “real men” in their private lives. “I would never allow a man to stick a dick up my ass in real life.” Good for you. You’re a straight acting man. See the number 3 man above for your medal.
3.)According to a lot of gay porn, gay sex is only performed when a gay man tricks a straight man, there’s straight porn in the background, or there’s a woman involved. Or in some cases, you can be as passionate as you want once you’ve begun the porn scene with “I love pussy” statements or you say that one of your fantasies is sleeping with a woman. I know there’s nothing I like better than hearing how much a man “loves pussy” (direct quote from a sean cody video) or fantasizes about straight sex when I’m trying to get off or have sex.
I’m just an inadequate gay man according to real life and porn, but I like being this inadequate gay man. I didn’t reject women. There was no reason to. I knew I wanted men and it had nothing to do with women. I didn’t have to come out. I knew who I was and I was not going to pretend and my family would never have allowed me to. While I top most of the time, I want to be more versatile. I don’t see bottoming as a loss of masculinity. I see it as simply adding another dimension to my sex life. Wanting to be straight and fetishing straightness seems like a waste of time. If you’re wanting applause from straights for being straight acting, it’s a losing battle. If you have sex with men, they will always see as gay or in some cases, a fag.